Day 7

What can I learn from a beautiful snail?

www.51in51days.blogspot.com is a blog about the journey of getting my life back 

on track in the 51 days leading up to my 51st birthday on January 13, 2013.

DAY 7

I believe in symbols and the meanings of things. I think sometimes the universe or world around us is trying to communicate with us. It tries in subtle ways to get our attention to sit up and take notice. The other night I went to the Munay-ki, the Shaman rites of passage ceremony. It's a very interesting way to awaken our luminous body, or our energy fields, or spirit side that is connected to God and the entire Universe. I don't know how it works exactly, but I do believe all things, living on the planet have a physical form and an energetic or spiritual form. We just have to tap into it, and strengthen it.

The cover photo I shot of the very lovely Sally Kirkland

An example of this is when I had the pleasure of interviewing the well renowned actress Sally Kirkland a few months back. She is an ordained minister for the Church of the Movement of Spiritual Inner Awareness (MSIA). www.msia.org. After spending time with her, I really felt a loving and sweet energy that emanated from her. This energy engulfed me and I felt happy and joyful long after the interview had concluded. Her kindness stayed with me, and I some how, due to her strong energy field I not only met her physically, but spiritually and energetically as well. I guess on some level we do this daily with everyone we meet. The encounter I had with Ms. Kirkland made it very palpable, and fortunately for me, very enjoyable.

Many years ago I met a friend of my sister's. This man disturbed to me the point that when I got home I actually took a shower to remove any remnants of his energy on me. When I asked my sister about him, she said, "My other friends wonder why I want to be near him."  I wondered the same thing. Though this man smiled at me, and told my sister he wanted to be friends with me, I felt a duplicitous and dangerous energy. There was something sinister about him, and I guess from his energy field, what I picked up was disconcerting and foreboding. 

I veered off my topic, but now understand why it went down this path. It has to do with intuition. Intuitively you know when someone is good, or bad for you. For me, I know, but I don't listen. Sometimes my intuition screams at me so strongly, that I can not ignore it. Maybe the intuition or higher self reads the luminous body of the other person, and subconsciously gives us messages about that person.  Just like in the case with my sister's friend. Or with another friend's sister, who had an ex boyfriend who when I met him I immediately scanned the room for an escape route. My body was so scared of this man, that I thought he could physically harm me. I later found out he had been in prison and been committed to a series of mental institutions. My intuition was trying to keep me safe in case he decided at that moment to go crazy. Thank God, he did not, so I never had to use my quick exit plan. However, my intuition, my higher self, knew this man was not safe for me to be around, and it warned me loud and clear. 

I am now looking at the experience I had with my "friend" the other day as a warning too. Maybe it was good that it happened. Possibly the relationship was not healthy for me, and by her bad mouthing me in front of me, it was a waving red flag right in my face. I had warnings about her personality before, but did not head them. So, maybe God, or the universe had to make it apparent to me. I find it interesting that the night this happened was the night I was introduced to Munay-ki. A shaman tradition of activating the luminous body, or spiritual self. Which coincides with my blog of getting my mind, body and spirit on track. Maybe Munay-ki is why this woman was in my life, and nothing more. Our paths had crossed for that purpose and that purpose alone. Once I was aware of Munay-ki, she was no longer needed, and her job for my life was done. 

The morning after I received the first two rites at Munay Ki, I was walking my dog Lilly and I came across a black feather. Immediately when I saw it, I felt it was some sort of omen. So back to the symbols and meanings. I googled black feather meaning and found this....

Black Feathers give the mystical wisdom that comes with the true spiritual initiation.

I have never come across a black feather in my life. Never.

Then the next night I came across a snail on my way home. I love snails. I try to save them whenever possible. This time was no different. I moved the little guy out of harms way. And as always when I have an interaction with an animal other than my dog, or a friend's cat, I research to see what the animal totem meaning is. This is how the universe can communicate with us, by sending animal messengers. They can communicate with us in our dreams, and also by sending animals to guide and aid us in the waking hours. This time was a snail. The main animal totem meaning for a snail is patience and protection of oneself. First the patience. I tend to get frustrated and very impatient with my life, so patience made total sense. And secondly, protection of myself is what I addressed in my blog yesterday. Being more discerning in my friendships, protecting my heart and understanding that knowing someone is not immediate. People will reveal themselves over time. So the black feather and the dainty beautiful snail had lessons for me. So what did the black feather teach me? That maybe I should go back again to the Munay-Ki regardless of my friend who is not truly my friend. And what did I learn from the beautiful snail? To be more patient with myself and the progress I am making. And, that I need to protect myself more. Valuable lessons that were so readily there for me, I only had to be open enough to see them right in front of me.

So I only have to be open to what the universe is teaching me and activate my luminous energy body. Sounds almost mundane and easy when I put it like that. An interesting and different way to perceive the world.  I will definitely keep you posted on my slow and snail like progress.

Elissa is a freelance writer & graphic designer somewhere in Los Angeles.

Until tomorrow and Day 8 of my blog....

Day 6

Today's Topic is Friendship

www.51in51days.blogspot.com is a blog about the journey of getting my life back 

on track in the 51 days leading up to my 51st birthday on January 13, 2013.

DAY 6

Good Morning. I am feeling much better than yesterday. Though I am still in my head quite a bit. I debated whether to send a letter of how I felt to my "friend" who had acted unkindly towards me. However, last night I had a conversation with my roommate. I told him the entire story, and concluded with that I had written a letter to her, but had not sent it yet. He replied, like many of my other friends, "Forget her." And I replied, "But I'm upset!" And he looked at me and said, "Don't be, just accept her for what she is. Not worth your time." At that moment, surprisingly, some how I took what he said to heart.  I mean it had a profound effect on me.  The most important part of his statement was, "Don't be." (Angry, sad, etc)  So simple, yet something I have not grasped in the 50 years of life. I had not known her that long, a mere four months. And as I got to know her, I liked her less and less. I had noticed things about her personality that I did not agree with. I was starting to see how controlling she was, and childlike. She wanted to be taken care of, yet she also wanted total control. It was an odd hybrid. Yet, I gave her the benefit of the doubt due to her illness. But what about my part in in. I need to look at my behavior in this.  I should have booked out of our friendship about 8 weeks ago when I noticed her quickness to snap at me, and her desire to manipulate me. Anyway, I can't change her, and I don't want to. But I need to be more aware when I go into friendships. It's like dating someone. At the beginning, he's so cute and funny. But a few months later you're seeing he's not as sweet or funny as he was on the first date. In fact his jokes are stupid. Friendships are like that too.

Years ago I met this woman who lived around the corner from my ex husband and I. We were close to the same age, same socio-economic strata, and culturally very similar. I thought, oh, this is great, a friend. Well what I found out in the course of my friendship with her was that she was a sociopath. A functioning sociopath with a high paying job. I'm not going to go into major details but this woman forged documents to FEMA so she did not have to pay Federal Flood Insurance. I told her that forging documents to a Federal Agency was a felony. She scoffed at me. I found out other instances where she duped major corporations like Target and Wallmart with their return policy. We are talking thousands of dollars. I mean this woman was and is a petty criminal. Or not so petty. But on the surface, I thought she would be a good match for me as a friend. She wasn't. 

Bottom line is, I have to accept people for who they are, and decide if I want them in my life or not. With the woman who bad mouthed me, it's a no brainer. Not worth my time even in the slightest. I have to accept her and move on. And I have to accept myself the way I am or decide to change. I should not have hung out with her in the first place thinking back. So how I choose potential friends has to be looked at. I have to value myself more than I value a friendship that is not even good or healthy for me.

Evaluating my friendships is definitely important to getting my life on track towards my 51st birthday. I'm too trusting and accepting immediately right off the bat. Not the best or safest way to be. I should try to be more discerning about who I let into my life. A friendship should lift your spirit, and you should want to do the same for them as well. I have a few people in my life like that, a very few.

Several weeks back I met a lovely couple as I was walking my dog. We exchanged numbers and we have emailed a few times. I think I will contact them to see if they want to go for another long walk with myself and my dog Lilly. I need to embrace the concept of going on a walk with them is just the first step on the long journey of getting to truly know them.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed, and hopefully it will be a more enjoyable path this time.

Until tomorrow and Day 7 of my blog....

Elissa is a freelance writer & graphic designer somewhere in Los Angeles.

Day 5

The gift offering I gave to Munay-Ki

www.51in51days.blogspot.com is a blog about the journey of getting my life back 

on track in the 51 days leading up to my 51st birthday on January 13, 2013.

DAY 5

The language of friendship is not words but meanings. 

                                                     Henry David Thoreau 

For the last 4 days, I have gotten up early and wanted to write my blog. Today I had to force myself, and in some way, even remind myself I needed to write at all. I am really upset and my mind is preoccupied with something that happened last night. Yes, I went to the Munay-Ki Shaman event. It was interesting, and intriguing. I've been to meditations and energy work before, and I want to go back again, but that is not what upset me. 

I helped a friend yesterday for most of the day driving all the way down to Santa Monica from Camarillo and back.  The day started at 1:30pm, and ended at around 10pm.  This RT took about 4 1/2 hours including the 2 hours I had to wait for her while she got a medical procedure done. After that we went to Munay-ki together. At the end of the night, after the Munay-ki ceremony, she thought I had gone outside, and I inadvertently overheard her bad mouthing me to her friends from Munay-Ki. So, I'm upset to say the least. Today's blog will be cut short unfortunately. I feel betrayed, used and manipulated. If she did not like me, she should have paid for a fu^&*( chauffeur. Anyway, I am writing her a letter about how I feel. I do not want this woman as a friend any longer. But, I am hurt, and I need to get some feelings off my chest in a constructive manner. FYI,  I did ask her for an apology, and she refused to give me one. 

But this did give me food for thought. How do I find true friends that are not users? I have not figured this out yet even though I am 50 years old. I struggle with this, though I try to be a good friend. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Sorry, this is not what you expected. Tomorrow I will be back to my old self. This is all I have for today. 

Until tomorrow and Day 6 of my blog....

Elissa is a freelance writer & graphic designer somewhere in Los Angeles.

Day 4

www.51in51days.blogspot.com is a blog about the journey of getting my life back 

on track in the 51 days leading up to my 51st birthday on January 13, 2013.

DAY 4

If you read Day 3 of my blog, you might remember I had a minor breakthrough in regards to my food choices. Alas, by sundown I was eating a Kit Kat bar. Ok, it was not a permanent or even very long term solution to my problems, however it did give me a bit of insight to what is going on with me. I ran to the Kit Kat bar after I read an email from a friend that made me upset. My food choices are not the issue. It is my emotions, or lack of a solid base I have at the moment. I reached for the Kit Kat bar, not because of it's luscious milk chocolate and crispy wafers. No, I reached for it to make me feel better. When I look even deeper, it is my spirit that has weakened or even been broken to allow me to get to this point. My goal over the course of 51 days is to help myself in body, mind and spirit. My body is effected by my mind that effect my emotions, and my internal talk and feelings are dictated by my spirit. All integrated, all the time. I know this, it's not something new for me.

However the exercise yesterday and the weakness for the Kit Kat bar really drove this point home. My blog is not really about getting my body, mind and spirit back on track. It's about getting my spirit aligned and balanced, and the mind and body will follow. The Kit Kat bar is just a symptom of what is going on with my spirit. Now when I say spirit, I mean two things. Firstly I mean my spirit, as in my will to live, also my will power to do things knowingly in my best interest, and my overall disposition in my daily life. Am I happy when I get up in the morning? Lately, it's been touch and go. Some days yes, some days no. Overall I've been saddened by circumstances and the blog is here to help me get my groove back so to speak. But when I say Spirit, I am also speaking about the higher consciousness. Am I connected to that Universal energy? The reason I was put on Earth in the first place? I'm not an atheist. I'm not even an agnostic, I'm a believer that there is a God, or a higher power of some kind. I will readily tell you I just don't understand how it works, or I agree with the "Universal Law" sometimes. But maybe due to my plebeian brain, I'm not supposed to. But on some level I need to address my relationship with this higher power, or maybe with just the acceptance of how the universe works. I fight how it works a lot. I argue in my head a lot about how the universe is so unfair.  Not so much for me, well maybe for me too, however I'm talking about people who have it much worse than I do. I can't wrap my brain around how some people have so much, and some have so little. To me, it is not fair. I would like to get to the point in my life where I accept how things are, instead of arguing with God. When you argue with God, you always lose. You are perpetually frustrated. That is where I am. I'll admit it.

So what has turned out to be an benign blog to document my life for 51 days to getting my life back on track, has in 4 days become a crusade to get aligned with the God almighty. Wow, I did not even see that coming. If I was on the path for my higher purpose, my spirit, my will to live, disposition, etc, will raise to a higher vibration, and thus level out my emotions, and make my body healthier with me naturally making better life choices. Fascinating and very deep considering this all started with me grabbing a Kit Kat bar to relieve my stress levels.

The interesting thing about this is, a friend called last night and invited me to a meditation group tonight. She said, "look it up online to see if you're interested." It's called Munay-Ki.
http://www.munaykiawakening.com/Welcome.html
It's the nine rites of passage to awakening and empowerment through shamanic traditions. As soon as I read that, I said, "Sign me up." Tonight I will be going to my first Munay-Ki ceremony. I will report back in my blog all about it tomorrow.

So what started early this morning as a blog about my lack of self control and over indulgence, my body, turned into a blog about awakening, enlightenment and aligning with my true purpose, the ultimate spirit. Who knew an innocent Kit Kat bar could do so much for you?

Elissa is a freelance writer & graphic designer somewhere in Los Angeles.

Until tomorrow and Day 5 of my blog....

Day 3

www.51in51days.blogspot.com is a blog about the journey of getting my life back 

on track in the 51 days leading up to my 51st birthday on January 13, 2013.

Starbucks, my drug of choice.

DAY 3

Hello,
I'm feeling a bit tired this morning, but my goal each and every day of all 51 days is to do something for my body, mind and spirit.  Today will be body. Not my physical body, though we will touch upon that issue in a bit, but my outer physical existence. My living situation. The condo I live in to be exact. I'm going to clean as much as I can. Not that it looks dirty on the surface, it doesn't, but I feel this place needs a deep cleaning. And since I am the one with the dog, I owe it to my roommate. I will also clean the refrigerator out, his coffee machine and vacuum the entire place, plus the couch. I think he will appreciate this when he gets home tonight.

I should have bought Stock in Hersheys

Now onto my physical body. I have gained 20 pounds in the last year. Ever since I broke up with my last boyfriend, almost 12 months ago. It's been an all you can eat buffet since I decided to leave him. I started out thin, so even now, I'm not that heavy, and even though I am short, I carry my weight well.

But 20 pounds, is 20 pounds, and the scale doesn't lie. I have been self medicating myself for 12 months to deaden the pain of lost love. My drug of choice have been Chai Lattes from Starbucks, they give me an immediate mood lift. Then there has also been Hershey Bars with almonds, my personal favorite Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and something new I've been trying, Kit Kat. I've not said no to one soda, one piece of pie, or slice of cake. In the last 12 months I've not declined whip cream, sour cream or real butter. I've said yes to everything, and even still, I'm only 20 pounds overweight. Maybe only 10 depending on the chart you look at, and consider my age into the mix. I have to hand it to my metabolism, it's not that slow considering all the junk I have eaten in the last year. But, I know the all night buffet has to be shut down at some time. My internal health department has to come in and close it's doors, at least for a time. I know I can't keep eating like this forever. The 20 pounds will undoubtedly grow to more weight, and I've never really been heavy my entire life, so it would not be good to start in my 50s.

But my emotional body is not ready to give up the vices that I've used to get through the difficult times. So my goal, is not to go on a diet, but to want to go on a diet, or at least go back to how I used to eat. You can't go on a diet if your heart is not in it 100%. I used to crave salmon and asparagus. Now I'm craving pasta, French Toast, Chinese Egg Rolls and burritos from Baja Fresh.  This combined with the sodas and chocolates, well it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out how I've gained 20 pounds.

I've obviously not been into self deprivation this past year. I couldn't handle saying no to food, since my emotional body was in so much pain. I mean that is what this is all about. My weight gain created an insular padding of protection on the surface, while my heart had to mend itself. And eating the chocolates and cakes gave me an immediate feeling of love and a moment of joy while I consumed the junk food. So the tasty food masked the pain, or took the edge off. Sugar, carbs, coffee, and the Starbucks' Chai latte gave me an immediate mood lift. But so does unsweetened Green Tea, and I didn't reach for that at all over the past 12 months. So on some level I wanted to punish myself and eat junk food because my love life did not work out, and I was blaming myself.  Plus, subconsciously I wanted to gain weight to push men away.  I'm over analyzing my food choices because they drastically changed the day I broke up with my last boyfriend. I normally only had chocolate maybe 3 times a year. I never, ever used to drink sodas, and grilled fish was always preferred over pasta, and an omelet was always ordered over French Toast. So what to do now? I know why I did it and what I did, but can I change back?

Lately this has been my breakfast

Before I started writing Day 3 of my blog,  I was going to go to the store to buy eggs to make French Toast. I'm not kidding. Now, after writing this blog, I want a Swiss cheese and mushroom omelet. Wow. So discussing the true feelings and reasons why I have been making such poor food choices for myself has eliminated the need for French Toast this morning?  Interesting. I will update you on how the rest of the day goes and what I decide to eat. I'm meeting a friend for lunch at Sharkey's later on today. It will be intriguing to see what I choose. Last time I ordered a large burrito with rice and beans. Normally I would have gone with the grilled fish with vegetable sides. So todays lunch will be a litmus test to see if my Day 3 blog has changed my food choices indefinitely, or just for this morning. Whatever happened, my desire for French Toast went out the window, and I've eaten that for breakfast the last 4 days in a row.  I do make a wonderful French Toast, but I also make a mean Swiss cheese and mushroom omelet.  So for now I'm off to VONS to buy eggs and Swiss Cheese.

Until tomorrow and Day 4 of my blog....

Elissa is a freelance writer & graphic designer somewhere in Los Angeles.

Day 2

www.51in51days.blogspot.com is a blog about the journey of getting my life back 

on track in the 51 days leading up to my 51st birthday on January 13, 2013.

Hello,

I was figuring out what to blog about today for Day 2, when at around 6:30am my dog Lilly decided that she needed to go for a walk immediately or all hell would break loose. So I stopped pondering my blog, and reluctantly put a heavy coat over my pajamas, and suited her up with her leather leash.  I'm thinking I'll just take her downstairs for a quick tinkle and be back up in the cozy condo in a flash. 

Many thanks to my adorable rescue dog Lilly.

Well my dog Lilly was having none of that. Though it was freezing, (44° to be exact) she pulled me as hard as she could across the street to our very nice neighborhood park. As I was crossing the street I could hear the sound of tennis balls. Obviously someone had gotten up very early on a cold Sunday morning to play tennis. And it got me thinking. That used to be me! From the time I was around 13 to 16 I would get up at 5am, be on the courts from 6am to 8am before any of my high school classes would even begin. I was so dedicated when I was young. I didn't have to get up that early, but I wouldn't think of it any other way. I look at myself now, and I'm so very lazy and lethargic. What's happened to me over the decades? I mentioned in Day 1 of my blog that age indisputably happens physiologically. Yes, so very true. However this change I'm referring to, well this is not physical, it's definitely emotional. My drive to get up and play tennis, or to run, (used to run 10ks) do sit ups, push ups, etc, has completely dissipated to being non existent.  I have not really exercised in the past 6 years.

That is when I quit playing tennis all together. I was 44. That is when all exercise ceased to exist for me. ( I will address the circumstances in another blog.) When I was young, I was very active. Probably like most kids. I would spend 12 hours in the pool and look at my mother off on the side laying on a chaise lounge tanning herself. I remember actually saying to myself around 10 years old, "I'm never going to be like my mother. I'm always going to play in the pool for 12 hours." Fast forward to now;  I can't even stay in the pool for 12 minutes if it's not heated. But let's go back to the tennis. Tennis was my life. I loved the game ever since I remember seeing people play for the first time when I was 8 years old.  My dad was working in Las Vegas for a week, so they put us all up in a hotel. We passed by some courts and I went insane in the car. I said, "Mommy, what is that? I want to play. I need to play." That very day my mother bought me a tennis racquet and my father paid for tennis lessons at the now sadly torn down Sands Hotel. I took tennis lessons every day for a week and loved ever minute of my instruction. It was the highlight of my 1970 Vegas vacation.

The Sands Hotel about a decade before I first visited in 1970.

I didn't really start playing regularly for another 4 years, but then I played almost every day from the time I was 12 to 22. I loved the game, and I was pretty good. Not great, but I had some talent and some success. Plus it gave me the perfect excuse to get out of the house, and stay out for long periods of time on the weekends and weeknights. You see, my home life was not the happiest, so it gave me a great out. But I loved the game too. I loved the feel of striking the ball. It was just so fun. But I have not played for the last 6 years. So, back to me crossing the street this morning, and hearing the sound of the tennis balls. I thought to myself, I was so different when I was young. At 15 I would have been up at the crack of dawn. So I thought, maybe if I started playing again, getting up early like I used to, it would rekindle that passion for life I had when I was young, which somehow I've totally lost along the way.  

Me, on the far right, in 1979 when I was 17, with the BHHS tennis team.

As I walked Lilly past the courts, I see a guy just practicing his serve by himself. I watch him carefully. I notice he's got a pretty good service motion. He seems to know what he's doing to a fair degree. I walk past again, and as I approach him, I stop and speak. "Hey, you ever need anyone to hit with? He hems and haws. I say, "I used to play college tennis." He perks up. "Really?" "Yes." I say proudly. "I haven't played in a few years, but it's like riding a bike." I say to reassure him. He says, "Let's exchange numbers, I don't have anyone to hit with." So, almost as quickly as my thought went through my head that I should play tennis early in the morning just like I did as a kid, I have a tentative date to hit with John next Saturday morning at 7am.  Boy, that was a very quick manifestation.

So in one fell swoop, I took a small step that may make a monumental impact on my life. This is what I was hoping the blog would assist me in. Helping me to stay motivated and focused to uplift my body, mind and spirit for 51 days. What I did this morning was so simple, just a date to play tennis. But this small feat may be grand in the scheme of things.  My lack of desire to play for the past 6 years has more to do with an emotional hurt  that needs to be healed than anything else, however at least part of the remedy, playing again, will undoubtedly nourish my soul and aid in getting me back in shape. It will be a trifecta win, mind, body and spirit.  Tennis was so much a part of my young life. Tennis will be eternally tied to my childhood. But maybe if I start playing again I can get back some of my zest for life that I had when I was a child. Or even the enthusiasm I had in my mid 40s that I had until I stopped playing. Because on some level, when you have the desire to get up at 5am and be on the cold courts at 6am, you are saying yes to life. Not just tennis. When I was young I said yes to life all the time. At 50 I say no more often than not.

Next Saturday morning at 7am, I will be saying yes to life, even though it will look like I'm just playing tennis.

Until tomorrow and Day 3 of my blog....

Elissa is a freelance writer & graphic designer somewhere in Los Angeles.

Day 1

www.51in51days.blogspot.com is a blog about the journey of getting my life back 

on track in the 51 days leading up to my 51st birthday on January 13, 2013.

DAY 1

Hello,
Using a little math and ingenuity, I have calculated that from today, in 51 days I will be turning, drum roll please, 51 years old. Uggh. Yes, not a great milestone, like Sweet 16, or turning 18 and being able to have sex and be drafted, or the big fun one, 21, where I can get drunk off my ass and legally begin the decimation of my liver. No, I'm the unfortunate recipient of being 51 in just 51days. Or the fortunate recipient. Depends on how you look at it. I mean, what's the alternative? Yes, death. If I had not survived to my 51st birthday, I would have died and not been able to write this poetic prose for all of the Internet to read. Yes, I know, what a tragedy. But on the bright side, I am still on the planet, after completing 50 complete rotations of the earth around the sun. I've been 50 for almost an entire year, however, in reality, I was living my 50th year on earth, and only completed 49 rotations around the sun. In some weird way that makes me feel a bit younger.

However in reality I'm turning 51. 51 is not great for a woman. Oh, please, don't get all politically correct on me, this is just my opinion about how women are treated in American society. No one says, "I have this hot 51 year old I want you to date." "51, what a fun age." It just doesn't work like that. They say, "she's not bad for 51." Or "she's well preserved for 51." Or they might say, "she's had a lot of work done, she has less wrinkles than a starched shirt." I on the other hand have not had any "work" done. Botox scares the crap out of me. Other fillers look unnatural and trying to be 21, or 31 when I'm almost 51 is ridiculous. I'm lucky I don't have the real wrinkly or saggy type of skin. So for now, I'm not running to the plastic surgeon.  That is, for now.

I have a friend who says, "age is just a number, and you're as old as you feel." I don't subscribe to that at all. Age is something that happens to us mentally, emotionally, and definitely physiologically. A little girl is not the same physically as a young 20 year old woman. A 20 year old woman is not the same physically as a mature 60 year old woman. And I don't care how well that 60 year old eats, or how much she exercises, there are physical differences that take place over the course of decades. So for me, I have to do the best I can with what I have - an almost 51 year old body, some wisdom (I hope), and some emotional wounds that need healing.  Over the course of 51 years, there were some fun times, but also disappointment and heartache. It just happens sometimes in life. The longer you live, the more likely shit will happen to you. It's just the unfortunate law of averages.

Me, circa 1967.

I was at a party the other night, and this 60 year old man said he wanted to live forever. He proclaimed, "the body can constantly rejuvenate itself, so you can live healthy forever, no need to die!" I on the other hand don't want to live forever.  I want to die. Not now, or not soon, but one day, when I feel like my purpose for being here is over or I'm just too old to survive any longer naturally. I want to die. For me, it's the natural cycle of life and I want to be a part that.  Of course I'm afraid to die, but also curious about death and what's next. That's the thing about turning 51, there is no turning back to when I was 5, cute as a button, and playing in the sunshine. There is no going back to when I was 26, in an angelic white wedding dress walking down the aisle. I am a 51 year old female who has a roommate (albeit nice) and lives with my dog (albeit adorable).  Not exactly where I thought I would be. And that is what this blog is about. In 51 days I will turn 51. Over the next 51 days I will try to regain my zest and fervor for life that I have some how lost or I've given it away over the last 50 years. I'm a little down in the dumps at the moment. When you get to be 51, sometimes things knock you down. You can say, "think positive" all day long, and things still get you down. My 50th year on the planet had to be my worst, which I will not go into. But that's why I started this blog. So for the next 51 days I will try to uplift my body, mind and spirit. Every day I will do something to help myself get back on track. So follow me if you will to my 51st birthday on January 13, 2013. Hmmm. I just noticed, 13th day, 13th year, and if you add up January to the following 12 months, it's the 13th month. Not sure what that means. I will investigate and blog about it.

So you have just read day 1 of my blog, and the first in 51 blogs to my path of turning 51. But for now, my nice roommate has made some coffee, and my adorable dog needs her walk. Until tomorrow...

Elissa is a freelance writer and graphic designer somewhere in Los Angeles.