Day 3

www.51in51days.blogspot.com is a blog about the journey of getting my life back 

on track in the 51 days leading up to my 51st birthday on January 13, 2013.

Starbucks, my drug of choice.

DAY 3

Hello,
I'm feeling a bit tired this morning, but my goal each and every day of all 51 days is to do something for my body, mind and spirit.  Today will be body. Not my physical body, though we will touch upon that issue in a bit, but my outer physical existence. My living situation. The condo I live in to be exact. I'm going to clean as much as I can. Not that it looks dirty on the surface, it doesn't, but I feel this place needs a deep cleaning. And since I am the one with the dog, I owe it to my roommate. I will also clean the refrigerator out, his coffee machine and vacuum the entire place, plus the couch. I think he will appreciate this when he gets home tonight.

I should have bought Stock in Hersheys

Now onto my physical body. I have gained 20 pounds in the last year. Ever since I broke up with my last boyfriend, almost 12 months ago. It's been an all you can eat buffet since I decided to leave him. I started out thin, so even now, I'm not that heavy, and even though I am short, I carry my weight well.

But 20 pounds, is 20 pounds, and the scale doesn't lie. I have been self medicating myself for 12 months to deaden the pain of lost love. My drug of choice have been Chai Lattes from Starbucks, they give me an immediate mood lift. Then there has also been Hershey Bars with almonds, my personal favorite Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and something new I've been trying, Kit Kat. I've not said no to one soda, one piece of pie, or slice of cake. In the last 12 months I've not declined whip cream, sour cream or real butter. I've said yes to everything, and even still, I'm only 20 pounds overweight. Maybe only 10 depending on the chart you look at, and consider my age into the mix. I have to hand it to my metabolism, it's not that slow considering all the junk I have eaten in the last year. But, I know the all night buffet has to be shut down at some time. My internal health department has to come in and close it's doors, at least for a time. I know I can't keep eating like this forever. The 20 pounds will undoubtedly grow to more weight, and I've never really been heavy my entire life, so it would not be good to start in my 50s.

But my emotional body is not ready to give up the vices that I've used to get through the difficult times. So my goal, is not to go on a diet, but to want to go on a diet, or at least go back to how I used to eat. You can't go on a diet if your heart is not in it 100%. I used to crave salmon and asparagus. Now I'm craving pasta, French Toast, Chinese Egg Rolls and burritos from Baja Fresh.  This combined with the sodas and chocolates, well it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out how I've gained 20 pounds.

I've obviously not been into self deprivation this past year. I couldn't handle saying no to food, since my emotional body was in so much pain. I mean that is what this is all about. My weight gain created an insular padding of protection on the surface, while my heart had to mend itself. And eating the chocolates and cakes gave me an immediate feeling of love and a moment of joy while I consumed the junk food. So the tasty food masked the pain, or took the edge off. Sugar, carbs, coffee, and the Starbucks' Chai latte gave me an immediate mood lift. But so does unsweetened Green Tea, and I didn't reach for that at all over the past 12 months. So on some level I wanted to punish myself and eat junk food because my love life did not work out, and I was blaming myself.  Plus, subconsciously I wanted to gain weight to push men away.  I'm over analyzing my food choices because they drastically changed the day I broke up with my last boyfriend. I normally only had chocolate maybe 3 times a year. I never, ever used to drink sodas, and grilled fish was always preferred over pasta, and an omelet was always ordered over French Toast. So what to do now? I know why I did it and what I did, but can I change back?

Lately this has been my breakfast

Before I started writing Day 3 of my blog,  I was going to go to the store to buy eggs to make French Toast. I'm not kidding. Now, after writing this blog, I want a Swiss cheese and mushroom omelet. Wow. So discussing the true feelings and reasons why I have been making such poor food choices for myself has eliminated the need for French Toast this morning?  Interesting. I will update you on how the rest of the day goes and what I decide to eat. I'm meeting a friend for lunch at Sharkey's later on today. It will be intriguing to see what I choose. Last time I ordered a large burrito with rice and beans. Normally I would have gone with the grilled fish with vegetable sides. So todays lunch will be a litmus test to see if my Day 3 blog has changed my food choices indefinitely, or just for this morning. Whatever happened, my desire for French Toast went out the window, and I've eaten that for breakfast the last 4 days in a row.  I do make a wonderful French Toast, but I also make a mean Swiss cheese and mushroom omelet.  So for now I'm off to VONS to buy eggs and Swiss Cheese.

Until tomorrow and Day 4 of my blog....

Elissa is a freelance writer & graphic designer somewhere in Los Angeles.