Day 1

www.51in51days.blogspot.com is a blog about the journey of getting my life back 

on track in the 51 days leading up to my 51st birthday on January 13, 2013.

DAY 1

Hello,
Using a little math and ingenuity, I have calculated that from today, in 51 days I will be turning, drum roll please, 51 years old. Uggh. Yes, not a great milestone, like Sweet 16, or turning 18 and being able to have sex and be drafted, or the big fun one, 21, where I can get drunk off my ass and legally begin the decimation of my liver. No, I'm the unfortunate recipient of being 51 in just 51days. Or the fortunate recipient. Depends on how you look at it. I mean, what's the alternative? Yes, death. If I had not survived to my 51st birthday, I would have died and not been able to write this poetic prose for all of the Internet to read. Yes, I know, what a tragedy. But on the bright side, I am still on the planet, after completing 50 complete rotations of the earth around the sun. I've been 50 for almost an entire year, however, in reality, I was living my 50th year on earth, and only completed 49 rotations around the sun. In some weird way that makes me feel a bit younger.

However in reality I'm turning 51. 51 is not great for a woman. Oh, please, don't get all politically correct on me, this is just my opinion about how women are treated in American society. No one says, "I have this hot 51 year old I want you to date." "51, what a fun age." It just doesn't work like that. They say, "she's not bad for 51." Or "she's well preserved for 51." Or they might say, "she's had a lot of work done, she has less wrinkles than a starched shirt." I on the other hand have not had any "work" done. Botox scares the crap out of me. Other fillers look unnatural and trying to be 21, or 31 when I'm almost 51 is ridiculous. I'm lucky I don't have the real wrinkly or saggy type of skin. So for now, I'm not running to the plastic surgeon.  That is, for now.

I have a friend who says, "age is just a number, and you're as old as you feel." I don't subscribe to that at all. Age is something that happens to us mentally, emotionally, and definitely physiologically. A little girl is not the same physically as a young 20 year old woman. A 20 year old woman is not the same physically as a mature 60 year old woman. And I don't care how well that 60 year old eats, or how much she exercises, there are physical differences that take place over the course of decades. So for me, I have to do the best I can with what I have - an almost 51 year old body, some wisdom (I hope), and some emotional wounds that need healing.  Over the course of 51 years, there were some fun times, but also disappointment and heartache. It just happens sometimes in life. The longer you live, the more likely shit will happen to you. It's just the unfortunate law of averages.

Me, circa 1967.

I was at a party the other night, and this 60 year old man said he wanted to live forever. He proclaimed, "the body can constantly rejuvenate itself, so you can live healthy forever, no need to die!" I on the other hand don't want to live forever.  I want to die. Not now, or not soon, but one day, when I feel like my purpose for being here is over or I'm just too old to survive any longer naturally. I want to die. For me, it's the natural cycle of life and I want to be a part that.  Of course I'm afraid to die, but also curious about death and what's next. That's the thing about turning 51, there is no turning back to when I was 5, cute as a button, and playing in the sunshine. There is no going back to when I was 26, in an angelic white wedding dress walking down the aisle. I am a 51 year old female who has a roommate (albeit nice) and lives with my dog (albeit adorable).  Not exactly where I thought I would be. And that is what this blog is about. In 51 days I will turn 51. Over the next 51 days I will try to regain my zest and fervor for life that I have some how lost or I've given it away over the last 50 years. I'm a little down in the dumps at the moment. When you get to be 51, sometimes things knock you down. You can say, "think positive" all day long, and things still get you down. My 50th year on the planet had to be my worst, which I will not go into. But that's why I started this blog. So for the next 51 days I will try to uplift my body, mind and spirit. Every day I will do something to help myself get back on track. So follow me if you will to my 51st birthday on January 13, 2013. Hmmm. I just noticed, 13th day, 13th year, and if you add up January to the following 12 months, it's the 13th month. Not sure what that means. I will investigate and blog about it.

So you have just read day 1 of my blog, and the first in 51 blogs to my path of turning 51. But for now, my nice roommate has made some coffee, and my adorable dog needs her walk. Until tomorrow...

Elissa is a freelance writer and graphic designer somewhere in Los Angeles.